Swimming the pond
When I woke up this morning, I had a sore throat. It was just about 04:30, the birds outside had burst into a cacophony of warbling melodies, and my husband was gently snoring.
I couldn’t go to sleep again. I lay there thinking, and somehow, I was so disgustingly sober and devoid of mirth. I couldn’t draw any encouragement out of the birdsong, like I still might have some months before.
Maybe I still lacked sleep. But it was impossible to drift off again.
Lately, I realized that I lived a lot of my life thus far like diving under the surface of a pond. Going up and down, back and forth. I can see what’s outside the water, but sometimes – often – it is blurred.
Rather seldom, I get a clear view, as if I was able to remove the water from my eyes and have a look. I’ve got to be calm to do that. I need to feel that I’m not pressed from any side or person, to do that. I have to be on my own to do that, to feel real. I have to clear my mind. Any distraction just dunks me back into the water.
Not feeling real is unsettling.
It’s like I’m living someone else’s life. I forgot thinking about my own dreams. And now, they seem so far away, almost out of reach.
Swimming in my pool seemed so safe, so comfortable. It was a delusion. A self-delusion I accepted because I couldn't get what I was dreaming of, because I was incapable of changing my situation, because I was afraid to get hurt. I didn’t realize that we all get hurt, sometimes...
I guess I will have to pull myself out of the water, onto dry land.
I will eventually have to learn to breathe the fresh air.
I came to realize that there is a whole world unfolding, outside my pond.
I couldn’t go to sleep again. I lay there thinking, and somehow, I was so disgustingly sober and devoid of mirth. I couldn’t draw any encouragement out of the birdsong, like I still might have some months before.
Maybe I still lacked sleep. But it was impossible to drift off again.
Lately, I realized that I lived a lot of my life thus far like diving under the surface of a pond. Going up and down, back and forth. I can see what’s outside the water, but sometimes – often – it is blurred.
Rather seldom, I get a clear view, as if I was able to remove the water from my eyes and have a look. I’ve got to be calm to do that. I need to feel that I’m not pressed from any side or person, to do that. I have to be on my own to do that, to feel real. I have to clear my mind. Any distraction just dunks me back into the water.
Not feeling real is unsettling.
It’s like I’m living someone else’s life. I forgot thinking about my own dreams. And now, they seem so far away, almost out of reach.
Swimming in my pool seemed so safe, so comfortable. It was a delusion. A self-delusion I accepted because I couldn't get what I was dreaming of, because I was incapable of changing my situation, because I was afraid to get hurt. I didn’t realize that we all get hurt, sometimes...
I guess I will have to pull myself out of the water, onto dry land.
I will eventually have to learn to breathe the fresh air.
I came to realize that there is a whole world unfolding, outside my pond.
posted by Claudia at 16:45
1 Comments:
In my own life, the blinders came off when I just let go and allowed myself to really feel and experience. And going through a particularly bad experience worked magic. Weird how that happens. But I'm a different, more confident person now. You might get a physical too--just make sure there are no other factors. I didn't believe medication was the right option for myself, but everyone is different. Do you think that would help you? You've been down for a long time now Claudia--there has to be something (a decision, a change, something) that will put you on a brighter, more purposeful path. Are you working? Is it something you feel passionate about? Find those things that make you feel giddy, and add them in every day somehow. Whatever it is for you--photography? dance? painting? What is it?
And, most importantly, do not for one section forget your value. To your son, your friends, your family...and yourself. Follow your joy Claudia, no matter who or what tells you otherwise.
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