Silence

I had written the post below some weeks ago.

Lately, I have recognized that even writing can be counterproductive.
That too much thinking ain't good.
That you even have to let go of your thoughts to proceed.
That it might not be good to think about things repeatedly. Because thus, they become a Mantra which lulls you, which gives a false sense of security... and which keeps you from acting.

I won't say that I proceeded very far, it's such a slow process.
But it's a process of recognition, and in the end, I hope, I will be able to ACT instead of worrying and tarrying and suffering.

In a nutshell, I guess it will mean that I will give away half of my life. Or rather, half of what I thought was my life anyway. It's very hard for me to imagine what seems obvious to do.
It hurts to think about it.

What is good is that I discovered to have some very good friends of whom I know that they will be there when I need them.
But they can't decide for me and I wouldn't want them to.
And I can't go on like this for very much longer.
The situation hurts; the knowing hurts, too.

I read a book lately, which has a very cheeky title (haven't found it on Amazon.com; it's an Italian author and I read the book in German); literally translated from German: "How to stop the brain masturb*** and enjoy life instead".
Somehow, he draws a connection between Buddhism and other Asian religions to modern psychology. And in a point, he's right: If you think too much, you might miss out on life.

I've been missing a lot, or at least, I think so.
I want to change that.
We seem to have developed to a brain-taxing species who forget to live their lifes because they're quite self-enamored with their capability of thinking, contemplating and putting all this into words.
Try emptying your head and silence your thoughts. It's sooo difficult...
But somehow, worth while.

I used to put my attention to small things, which is okay, but mostly, I was forced by other people to pay attention to seemingly "important" things, keeping the mind on the business, whatsoever. Thinking, focussing: this cut off everything else.
I was so cut off everything around me that, each time me and my family went hiking, it took me several hours in the forest to be able to experience and appreciate what was going on around me.
I have a little dream: To sit in the wood for several hours, undisturbed by any other human being, and watching, listening to what is happening. I guess, birds sing. Mice rustle about. Leaves fall. The wind can be heard in the trees. Drops are falling. Things clicking, cracking, whirring. What a miraculous world this must be! And it's always happening, there. Wonderful things, important things.
While I am sitting in the office, trying to figure out the reason for the discrepancy of 24 Euros in the invoice I just wrote.
What am I doing there?!
What am I doing here?
And shouldn't I eventually be able to grapple with my problems and reset my priorities?
It's about time.