I want

I know that I’ve been beating about the bush lately. I guess I will continue to do so, because I don’t want to give everything away.
I’m not too sure of myself anyway.
Maybe it’s the forty-something, maybe something else, but I kept on wondering what I am doing with my life. And if what I had thought was what I wanted, did turn out as something else. There were (and are still) moments of doubt and regret, and although I know that it is not really helpful to give in to those feelings, I also know that I have to live through those moments because they, too, are part of my life.

Last year, there were moments when I felt a great strength within me. And on the other hand, other moments when I felt like falling without end.

Now, I’m floating, somehow. Floating, or bobbing up and down in some shallow pool where I was washed to by the sea of life.
I would love to regain that strength I felt last year...

Some people say that you need goals in your life, targets. But I feel that it is difficult for me. I have wishes, things I’d like to see or encounter.
I have achieved a lot, I have a family, we are healthy, we are employed, we have a house, car, etc..
And yet... something's missing. Something seems terribly wrong.

I can’t really get to a point (concerning "targets"), except for some things about me...

I’d like to be happy.
I want to.
I want to be happy.

I want to be able to say what I don’t like.
I want to be able to say what I want.
I want to say what I want.

I don’t want to be afraid.
I don’t want to be alone.
But if I were, this shall not make me feel inferior or make me want to adapt, for others.

I want to be strong.
Strong and wilful.

I want to live my life consciously, not like foam high on a wave, washed away without means to navigate, only able to look where the wave took me to.

I want to have some privacy.
I want to have some quiet.

I want to be taken for serious when I mean to be serious.

I want to be accepted the way that I am.

I want to remain my true self.
I don’t want to have to bend.

I want more from life.
Actually, I hate the fact that I have to act to achieve that (yeah, I know that I am lazy and it somehow feels egoistic to me and I always had the notion that egoism is bad – until now. Can you learn to be egoistic?).
But apparently, there’s no other way.
I’ve been the good girl for too long.

I know I can do better.
I want more.
And I know that I have the right to expect more.

I want it all.
And I want it now.