One day further...
Yesterday, I wrote about that feeling of external control that I have .
Of course, I know: When you begin to take decisions concerning your life, you limit the possibilities you have with each decision. At least, you turn into a certain direction, and it might be hard to deviate from that path, especially as your decisions may affect other people than yourself, too.
Would you stay single (and few people really want that), there'd be no problem in changing your life like Madonna changes her style every few years. But usually you don't.
You might get to know someone, get together, make plans, build a nest and breed.
So, the number of people concerned when you begin to have that feeling that something's wrong with your life (if not with yourself) might be small, but now, it's the quality of disturbance you bring into the life of others that matters.
You don't want to hurt them. But you've got the feeling, that if you don't DO SOMETHING (whatever that may be), you're going to burst into pieces, thus destroying everything around you in a similar way as you'd do when you're changing your behaviour as you might like to.
Gee, somehow I've got the feeling that I'm beating about the bush...
Yes, something's wrong.
Yes, somethings's lacking.
Yes, I've been a good girl for such a long time. Too long.
I am calm,
I am tolerant,
I am friendly and
forbearing to an extent that I might be considered a jackass.
(Well, those are attributes that come in handy when you've got kids, hen?)
But.
This might also be the reason that I often have the feeling of not being taken seriously.
I don't scream in a conflict, that's simply not me. I'd rather discuss - yet you need a sympathetic ear for that.
When an argument is started, often I feel simply hurt. I withdraw without having said what I think. Never learnt that (single kid, see?).
But in a relationship, I had expected both partners to be similarly respectful, appreciative, sympathetic and affectionate. Hmmm...
Am I so wrong? Am I expecting too much?
I don't think so.
There are a lot of pretty good reasons for the decisions I have taken throughout my life. It's okay for me, that took me where I am today, and not all decisions were bad, seen from this angle. I found my best friends here in the last few years. I know, I can rely upon them.
But now, it's much more difficult, because now it's pointing into the future. My future.
And I don't know where this will lead me.
Something's got to be done. Something's got to happen.
Don't worry, I love life. And this is one reason why I have to decide what to do, because it's my life and I don't feel to well in it at the moment.
I'm thinking. I am contemplating. I give in to the thought that something is wrong. And this is more than I did in the course of the last, say 10 or 15 years. It relieves me somehow, as it takes enormous amounts of energy to hide your feelings and thoughts, be they negative or positive.
So I am very thankful that this process started at last,
although I'm a chicken concerning the outcome ;-)
Tune in tomorrow, I might be one step further still...
Of course, I know: When you begin to take decisions concerning your life, you limit the possibilities you have with each decision. At least, you turn into a certain direction, and it might be hard to deviate from that path, especially as your decisions may affect other people than yourself, too.
Would you stay single (and few people really want that), there'd be no problem in changing your life like Madonna changes her style every few years. But usually you don't.
You might get to know someone, get together, make plans, build a nest and breed.
So, the number of people concerned when you begin to have that feeling that something's wrong with your life (if not with yourself) might be small, but now, it's the quality of disturbance you bring into the life of others that matters.
You don't want to hurt them. But you've got the feeling, that if you don't DO SOMETHING (whatever that may be), you're going to burst into pieces, thus destroying everything around you in a similar way as you'd do when you're changing your behaviour as you might like to.
Gee, somehow I've got the feeling that I'm beating about the bush...
Yes, something's wrong.
Yes, somethings's lacking.
Yes, I've been a good girl for such a long time. Too long.
I am calm,
I am tolerant,
I am friendly and
forbearing to an extent that I might be considered a jackass.
(Well, those are attributes that come in handy when you've got kids, hen?)
But.
This might also be the reason that I often have the feeling of not being taken seriously.
I don't scream in a conflict, that's simply not me. I'd rather discuss - yet you need a sympathetic ear for that.
When an argument is started, often I feel simply hurt. I withdraw without having said what I think. Never learnt that (single kid, see?).
But in a relationship, I had expected both partners to be similarly respectful, appreciative, sympathetic and affectionate. Hmmm...
Am I so wrong? Am I expecting too much?
I don't think so.
There are a lot of pretty good reasons for the decisions I have taken throughout my life. It's okay for me, that took me where I am today, and not all decisions were bad, seen from this angle. I found my best friends here in the last few years. I know, I can rely upon them.
But now, it's much more difficult, because now it's pointing into the future. My future.
And I don't know where this will lead me.
Something's got to be done. Something's got to happen.
Don't worry, I love life. And this is one reason why I have to decide what to do, because it's my life and I don't feel to well in it at the moment.
I'm thinking. I am contemplating. I give in to the thought that something is wrong. And this is more than I did in the course of the last, say 10 or 15 years. It relieves me somehow, as it takes enormous amounts of energy to hide your feelings and thoughts, be they negative or positive.
So I am very thankful that this process started at last,
although I'm a chicken concerning the outcome ;-)
Tune in tomorrow, I might be one step further still...
posted by Claudia at 16:49
2 Comments:
Any decision, be it 'negative' or 'postitve' has its consequences. Every decision impacts our path--the people we meet, the challenges we face, the places we live, etc. Life, by its very nature, is a series of decisions. We can only learn from mistakes and not regret any choices, as we made the best choices we knew how to at the time. I wish you peace in your steps. And friends are in more places than you think--I am gladly here for you, any time. Feel free to vent. Sometimes that's the best option of all. I'm completely serious and sincere here.
Dear Barb,
thanks a lot for your empathy!
I used to regret some choices I made, in that way being different from my parents who use(d) to say "Who knows what it was good for.", but on the other hand they somehow stopped trying to reach their dreams - or so it occured to me...
I think now I have learned to live with the decisions I made, because, as you say, they were the best I could choose at that time. They were right at that time. And I can't change them anyway.
But maybe this is why I'm tarrying to make a decision, to even let myself think that I have to. As I said, I'm a chicken sometimes...
I am afraid that I might choose the wrong path.
On the other hand, I made some very good decisions according to my instinct.
I should think, and listen to my soul before deciding what to do.
But as I'm so damn busy right now, this will take some time. I will take my time.
- Claudia
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