Brooding...
I haven't been bloggin for quite some time.
(Actually, I haven't been reading blogs for a few days when I catched a trojan because Sharon's blog had been hacked; which took Jürgen about 2 hours to remove all the trash that had been trying to install itself on our computer. The trojan didn't succeed because our image viewer was not the one the damn virus expected.
Anyhow, I know Sharon didn't do that and I can imagine how embarrassing it must be when something like this happens to you.)
I decided on blogging again. Only in English, as for now. This will turn the English mirror of my German blog to an English mirror of my soul.
I mentioned, now and again, that I came upon thinking about my life. About the way I live. My daily routine. The things I do for some years now.
And I came to question myself whether all of this is what I expected from life. Was this what I would have chosen if I had had the chance? Not really.
I feel pretty much externally controlled, as for the way my life developed through the years since I left school.
Somehow, I just let things roll as they wanted, without taking control of them for myself. I took what came to me.
When I left school, I had the vague idea of maybe sliding into journalism. I started studying foreign languages, but after some months I had to learn that I wouldn't really have the chance of working in that field. I dropped it, without knowing what to do afterwards. A mistake.
As my parents had to move house for occupational reasons, I moved with them, away from the environment and friends I knew. This together with leaving university and not knowing what to do next was quite a strain. I fell into a deep black hole.
I searched, I tried, but nothing seemed to fit. What would I want to do for the next dunno-how-many years? I didn't have a clue.
What did I like? Books. The movies. I liked to draw. I was very interested in environmental protection. And thus, I started a training as a laboratory assistant, in the environmental field. Just to learn, after two years, that there was no chance for me to work in that field.
In the following years, I worked in laboratories, and later on, took the chance to change over (by writing reports) to become a secretary and assistant in several companies.
In the meantime, I married a man I got to know when I was in that big black hole. We built a house. Our son is 10 years old. We don't have to worry about the money.
So, everything should be fine.
But somehow it isn't...
I've got the impression that, in the course of the last, say, two years, I gave some people good advice concerning their lives - but I just can't seem to do that for myself...
Something is missing, and I don't know what.
Or maybe I just don't dare admit what is wrong because I'm afraid of the consequences...
(Actually, I haven't been reading blogs for a few days when I catched a trojan because Sharon's blog had been hacked; which took Jürgen about 2 hours to remove all the trash that had been trying to install itself on our computer. The trojan didn't succeed because our image viewer was not the one the damn virus expected.
Anyhow, I know Sharon didn't do that and I can imagine how embarrassing it must be when something like this happens to you.)
I decided on blogging again. Only in English, as for now. This will turn the English mirror of my German blog to an English mirror of my soul.
I mentioned, now and again, that I came upon thinking about my life. About the way I live. My daily routine. The things I do for some years now.
And I came to question myself whether all of this is what I expected from life. Was this what I would have chosen if I had had the chance? Not really.
I feel pretty much externally controlled, as for the way my life developed through the years since I left school.
Somehow, I just let things roll as they wanted, without taking control of them for myself. I took what came to me.
When I left school, I had the vague idea of maybe sliding into journalism. I started studying foreign languages, but after some months I had to learn that I wouldn't really have the chance of working in that field. I dropped it, without knowing what to do afterwards. A mistake.
As my parents had to move house for occupational reasons, I moved with them, away from the environment and friends I knew. This together with leaving university and not knowing what to do next was quite a strain. I fell into a deep black hole.
I searched, I tried, but nothing seemed to fit. What would I want to do for the next dunno-how-many years? I didn't have a clue.
What did I like? Books. The movies. I liked to draw. I was very interested in environmental protection. And thus, I started a training as a laboratory assistant, in the environmental field. Just to learn, after two years, that there was no chance for me to work in that field.
In the following years, I worked in laboratories, and later on, took the chance to change over (by writing reports) to become a secretary and assistant in several companies.
In the meantime, I married a man I got to know when I was in that big black hole. We built a house. Our son is 10 years old. We don't have to worry about the money.
So, everything should be fine.
But somehow it isn't...
I've got the impression that, in the course of the last, say, two years, I gave some people good advice concerning their lives - but I just can't seem to do that for myself...
Something is missing, and I don't know what.
Or maybe I just don't dare admit what is wrong because I'm afraid of the consequences...
posted by Claudia at 13:45
1 Comments:
"This will turn the English mirror of my German blog to an English mirror of my soul." Wow. I applaud that. And I understand what you're saying too. I could have written that post. But I don't know how to fix it either.
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