Meanwhile...

I'm sitting in the office feeling not motivated at all.

I'm just goggling, waiting for my Yahoo E-mail-account to open, which is extremely slow today.

The window is open, cars going by outside, and every now and then, a car door slams.
There are patches of blue sky, but the lighting shows that the sun is disturbed by clouds; it's still quite low. 08:40.

When I'm goggling, I perceive more of the world surrounding me. I seem to be an "eye" animal.
When I focus (optically, i.e.), I really concentrate on that, and everything else is taking a step back in my consciousness.
Sometimes, when I ride my car (at times when I might not really do that because I feel too jaded) and don't really focus my eyes on the road, I can FEEL the landscape surrounding me, the forest, the field, the sky, even through the car shell. I like that, although I know that I should rather focus on the road...

The coffee mug in my hand.
I poured the coffee just a few minutes ago, and it's so hot that it's rather unpleasant to hold.
I hold it to my lower lip and let the vapour rise to my nose. Hmmm. Coffee... Black and bitter.

One day further...

Yesterday, I wrote about that feeling of external control that I have .

Of course, I know: When you begin to take decisions concerning your life, you limit the possibilities you have with each decision. At least, you turn into a certain direction, and it might be hard to deviate from that path, especially as your decisions may affect other people than yourself, too.

Would you stay single (and few people really want that), there'd be no problem in changing your life like Madonna changes her style every few years. But usually you don't.
You might get to know someone, get together, make plans, build a nest and breed.

So, the number of people concerned when you begin to have that feeling that something's wrong with your life (if not with yourself) might be small, but now, it's the quality of disturbance you bring into the life of others that matters.
You don't want to hurt them. But you've got the feeling, that if you don't DO SOMETHING (whatever that may be), you're going to burst into pieces, thus destroying everything around you in a similar way as you'd do when you're changing your behaviour as you might like to.

Gee, somehow I've got the feeling that I'm beating about the bush...

Yes, something's wrong.
Yes, somethings's lacking.
Yes, I've been a good girl for such a long time. Too long.

I am calm,
I am tolerant,
I am friendly and
forbearing to an extent that I might be considered a jackass.
(Well, those are attributes that come in handy when you've got kids, hen?)

But.
This might also be the reason that I often have the feeling of not being taken seriously.
I don't scream in a conflict, that's simply not me. I'd rather discuss - yet you need a sympathetic ear for that.
When an argument is started, often I feel simply hurt. I withdraw without having said what I think. Never learnt that (single kid, see?).
But in a relationship, I had expected both partners to be similarly respectful, appreciative, sympathetic and affectionate. Hmmm...
Am I so wrong? Am I expecting too much?
I don't think so.

There are a lot of pretty good reasons for the decisions I have taken throughout my life. It's okay for me, that took me where I am today, and not all decisions were bad, seen from this angle. I found my best friends here in the last few years. I know, I can rely upon them.

But now, it's much more difficult, because now it's pointing into the future. My future.
And I don't know where this will lead me.
Something's got to be done. Something's got to happen.
Don't worry, I love life. And this is one reason why I have to decide what to do, because it's my life and I don't feel to well in it at the moment.
I'm thinking. I am contemplating. I give in to the thought that something is wrong. And this is more than I did in the course of the last, say 10 or 15 years. It relieves me somehow, as it takes enormous amounts of energy to hide your feelings and thoughts, be they negative or positive.
So I am very thankful that this process started at last,
although I'm a chicken concerning the outcome ;-)

Tune in tomorrow, I might be one step further still...

Brooding...

I haven't been bloggin for quite some time.

(Actually, I haven't been reading blogs for a few days when I catched a trojan because Sharon's blog had been hacked; which took Jürgen about 2 hours to remove all the trash that had been trying to install itself on our computer. The trojan didn't succeed because our image viewer was not the one the damn virus expected.
Anyhow, I know Sharon didn't do that and I can imagine how embarrassing it must be when something like this happens to you.)

I decided on blogging again. Only in English, as for now. This will turn the English mirror of my German blog to an English mirror of my soul.

I mentioned, now and again, that I came upon thinking about my life. About the way I live. My daily routine. The things I do for some years now.
And I came to question myself whether all of this is what I expected from life. Was this what I would have chosen if I had had the chance? Not really.

I feel pretty much externally controlled, as for the way my life developed through the years since I left school.

Somehow, I just let things roll as they wanted, without taking control of them for myself. I took what came to me.

When I left school, I had the vague idea of maybe sliding into journalism. I started studying foreign languages, but after some months I had to learn that I wouldn't really have the chance of working in that field. I dropped it, without knowing what to do afterwards. A mistake.
As my parents had to move house for occupational reasons, I moved with them, away from the environment and friends I knew. This together with leaving university and not knowing what to do next was quite a strain. I fell into a deep black hole.
I searched, I tried, but nothing seemed to fit. What would I want to do for the next dunno-how-many years? I didn't have a clue.
What did I like? Books. The movies. I liked to draw. I was very interested in environmental protection. And thus, I started a training as a laboratory assistant, in the environmental field. Just to learn, after two years, that there was no chance for me to work in that field.
In the following years, I worked in laboratories, and later on, took the chance to change over (by writing reports) to become a secretary and assistant in several companies.

In the meantime, I married a man I got to know when I was in that big black hole. We built a house. Our son is 10 years old. We don't have to worry about the money.

So, everything should be fine.
But somehow it isn't...

I've got the impression that, in the course of the last, say, two years, I gave some people good advice concerning their lives - but I just can't seem to do that for myself...

Something is missing, and I don't know what.
Or maybe I just don't dare admit what is wrong because I'm afraid of the consequences...