Harrumph

One, two... anyone still here?

Sorry guys, that was a long hibernation, wasn't it?
Actually, I was thinking about giving up blogging at all. There used to be a time when I loved writing. I answered e-mails immediately, I seemed to be constantly online, and I used to keep a journal. And I blogged quite frequently.

No more time for that, it seems. I might write about all the obstacles that kept me from writing, but I'm not in the mood tonight.Though, I have the impression that I miss writing.
And then again, I needed the time for myself, when I was seemingly offline. (Be assured, I wasn't, I just didn't want to comment. Actually, I felt kind of detached of everything. Of myself. Of my life. Oh, BTW, I still do! Anyways.)

Sometimes, puzzle pieces seem to find their way on their own. On other occasions, you'll need to wreck your brain, or use plain force to get the pieces where you think they should be...
Sometimes, things fall into place. That might not be the place you always thought it should be at. But then again, it's not as horrible as you imagined it might be.
(Beatin' about the bush, somehow, hen? So what.)

What I just thought was this: Peter Pan is a jerk (and Pippi Longstockings, too, BTW).
You can't refrain from growing up. In fact, you shouldn't. The important thing is not to lose your humor, your fantasy and your lust for life. THIS is the horrible thing that happens with so many grown-ups. THIS is what I wanted to prevent.
And this is what I failed terribly at.I guess what we fear in the process of growing up is this: growing old, growing unhappy, growing cranky. Nobody wants to stay a child. Because a child is commanded. It is commanded to bed every single night. It is told to do this and leave that, and it is very seldom in command of itself. (Although many children's books try to put up an image of self-assured, self-determinded kids, reality will soon provide a different concept).

So, what are grown-ups? What makes an adult adult? It is the capability to make decisions, even (and even more) when those decisions might offend those around us?
As a child, we are taught to obey. At least, we learn from the reaction of our fellow human beings, that some of our decisions might be more acceptable than others. Growing up means dealing with rejection, or with more or less subtly verbalized wishes of how we should be - in other's minds.
Many of us (espacially the female) are educated in a way that we have a strong sense of what others expect of us. And we want to go that way, because we want to be loved and accepted.
To grow up, in this case, means, that we should follow our own heart, no matter what is expected from us. If we don't, we will always be remote-controlled, like a child, and even worse. (Yes, I know that we all try to manipulate others to match our wishes. But they needn't obey. And we have to learn to accept that, too!)

To grow up also means to learn to bear loneliness. To understand, that even in a relationship you might feel alone. Actually, you ARE alone. Because there are places in your mind, places in your mental state, where noone can follow you, and noone can offer relief. Some things you have to work out on your own. Which might mean that you'll have to wait and endure tough times until...
...things fall into place. Or force them. Or walk away and start anew.

I don't think that everything is in its place for me right now. But I have got the premonition that at least one or two of my big issues might be endurable for the time being, or that I'll be able to live with those, soon, or make a decision that will be more comfortable for me.
And I simply know that - as for the issue of growing up - I don't want to resist that anymore. Because that would mean I would hinder myself from growing. And as long as growing doesn't mean growing old and grumpy, I might as well welcome the process.
Go figure...