Blogthing

Gee, I don't believe in horoscopes. Or blogthings.
At least not if they don't fit ;-)
Yet sometimes, they hit the nail on the head...

How You Life Your Life

You have a good sense of self control and hate to show weakness. You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations. You're open to new people and friends, which makes you a pretty popular person. You have one big dream in your life, and you never lose sight of it.

How Do You Live Your Life?

And now for something...

...completely different.

Why not try something positive?

Hey, summer's here!

We didn't have a real winter here in Germany. Temperature was rarely below freezing point. On the other hand, the month of April was so warm and dry that my tomato plants germinated wonderfully.

Everything is green outside, green as in summer, the plants and flowers just burst open and everything developed in a pace that you felt you could almost see it grow.

This is the first year my roses bloom wonderfully, ...

(Yeah, those are the ones I bought after my trip to Seligenstadt in June 2006 (see archives)!
And they smell absolutely fabulous!)


(The odour of those is also fine, very rose-like, but not as stunningly sweet as those above.)


...and I'm immensely proud of my clematis.
Look here!

I can't wait to see all those other plants (beans, peas, calabashes, nasturtium...) running riot through my part of the garden...
I'm rather into primal forests than any planned garden.

One of the gardens I liked the most in movies was (naturally) that of Sam Gamgee in "The Return of the King". Lots and lots of pretty colourful flowers...
Too bad I couldn't find any photo on the web.

A little meme

Ha.
Did I ever tell you? No.

A little MEME.

I don't smoke.

But I'm not being honest:
When I was about 15 years old, my father was still smoking. Yet, he didn't want me to smoke. So, best thing he could do in my opinion: On one occasion when I asked him, he offered me a cigarette. I wanted to know what it tasted like, tried, and was really disgusted. How could I like to have a taste in my mouth like the smell of a cold ash-tray? No, thank you.

Lately, I tried again. For forwardness. Because I'm such a good girl otherwise. Not addicted to any other vice. I was in such an unhappy and rebellious mood that I had to do something unreasonable. Like, smoking.
So, I bought myself a pack of cigarettes.

Tried one. Observed myself.
Do I like it? Not really.
How does it taste? Well, I was coughing. A scratchy feeling in my throat. A kind of soapy taste about it. I got dizzy (I liked that part somehow, and the soapy taste - don't know why. A friend said it was due to the alkaloid.).
And somehow, on that first occasion, it was good. *)

I carried around the cigarettes in my hand-bag (and I still do, don't ask me how the package looks like), but it took months before I smoked again.
That time, I was really depressed. I thought it would do me good, but it even made me more miserable. By the time I stubbed out the cigarette, I was crying hard.

Why do I tell this? Actually, I don't know. Maybe just had to get rid of this.
I don't consider myself a smoker. I still strongly dislike the tang of smoke on my fingers, and I know that smoking won't solve any of my problems.

Defiance.
Ha!
I'm such a child...


*) I guess it was especially because I did something really really unreasonable. And I took the time for myself. Just me and the cigarette. I sat under a starlit sky and smoked. Gee, I guess I might have had the same feeling without the coffin nail, but... no! I had to.
Maybe that one is about acceptance, too.
Accept that I'm not as reasonable as I consider myself to be ;-)

It's all about acceptance

Acceptance of myself.

Why is it so difficult?

Lately, I wrote an e-mail to a co-worker & friend. I told her,

"I feel so dumb.
I feel so naive.
I want to be different than I am today.
Un-afraid.
Un-restrained.
Regard-less.
And then again, not."

And she told me:

"It's all about getting to know yourself.
Accept yourself.
By the way, you can only change what you have already accepted."

Now this is a challenge.

Silence

I had written the post below some weeks ago.

Lately, I have recognized that even writing can be counterproductive.
That too much thinking ain't good.
That you even have to let go of your thoughts to proceed.
That it might not be good to think about things repeatedly. Because thus, they become a Mantra which lulls you, which gives a false sense of security... and which keeps you from acting.

I won't say that I proceeded very far, it's such a slow process.
But it's a process of recognition, and in the end, I hope, I will be able to ACT instead of worrying and tarrying and suffering.

In a nutshell, I guess it will mean that I will give away half of my life. Or rather, half of what I thought was my life anyway. It's very hard for me to imagine what seems obvious to do.
It hurts to think about it.

What is good is that I discovered to have some very good friends of whom I know that they will be there when I need them.
But they can't decide for me and I wouldn't want them to.
And I can't go on like this for very much longer.
The situation hurts; the knowing hurts, too.

I read a book lately, which has a very cheeky title (haven't found it on Amazon.com; it's an Italian author and I read the book in German); literally translated from German: "How to stop the brain masturb*** and enjoy life instead".
Somehow, he draws a connection between Buddhism and other Asian religions to modern psychology. And in a point, he's right: If you think too much, you might miss out on life.

I've been missing a lot, or at least, I think so.
I want to change that.
We seem to have developed to a brain-taxing species who forget to live their lifes because they're quite self-enamored with their capability of thinking, contemplating and putting all this into words.
Try emptying your head and silence your thoughts. It's sooo difficult...
But somehow, worth while.

I used to put my attention to small things, which is okay, but mostly, I was forced by other people to pay attention to seemingly "important" things, keeping the mind on the business, whatsoever. Thinking, focussing: this cut off everything else.
I was so cut off everything around me that, each time me and my family went hiking, it took me several hours in the forest to be able to experience and appreciate what was going on around me.
I have a little dream: To sit in the wood for several hours, undisturbed by any other human being, and watching, listening to what is happening. I guess, birds sing. Mice rustle about. Leaves fall. The wind can be heard in the trees. Drops are falling. Things clicking, cracking, whirring. What a miraculous world this must be! And it's always happening, there. Wonderful things, important things.
While I am sitting in the office, trying to figure out the reason for the discrepancy of 24 Euros in the invoice I just wrote.
What am I doing there?!
What am I doing here?
And shouldn't I eventually be able to grapple with my problems and reset my priorities?
It's about time.