New Year's Wishes

Hi, All!

Hope you had a good whatever-you-celebrate.

On the turn of the years, I wish everyone out there
a peaceful, healthy new year 2007
with lots of love and wonderful moments.

Although my life at the moment feels more like on this photo I took two weeks ago,

I feel a certain change is about to come next year.

But, you know, the grass is always greener on the other side ;-)

Be safe! See you in 2007!

And so this is Christmas...

This year, I don't feel very Christmas-y at all. I don’t know what’s the reason for this. Maybe the overall weird state of my mind, maybe just the weather, which has been too warm for weeks now (The birds began to sing again. Spring flowers preparing to blossom.).
I made an Advent wrath, and we will light the third candle on Sunday. I made a wrath for the door, with dried orange slices, cinnamon and star-anise for the smell and fake little apples and berries for the look. Somehow, to no avail concerning my pre-Christmas feeling. The spices don't smell as they did last time I used some as a decoration.
I’m short before giving up on the DIY Christmas cards I intended to send. Christmas pop songs on the radio just harass me.

(Instead, I just bought a CD containing a lot of James Bond theme songs, which really feel reviving. Haven’t seen the blonde Bond yet, but I hope to go to see the movie next week. Not very contemplative, and not close to my kind of reality, but maybe that’s why I’m really excited about that flick.
End of interlude.)

So, I’m still waiting for the Christmas feeling. It will probably come somewhen in the new year, when the snow will cover the scenery, eventually. I know that there are many places in the world, where there won’t ever be snow for Christmas, and Suse from Pea Soup said, rightfully, that JC was born and lived in an arid climate, so dreaming of a white Christmas is quite far-fetched, somehow.
But as the people seem to be getting weirder day by day, one by one recognizing that there are only a few days left til Christmas, and – oh my God! We don’t have presents for so-and-so and have to buy and cook and bake – everything simply HAS TO BE FINISHED WITHIN THIS YEAR at work (because there will be no such thing as a new year to continue, as it seems), the time before Christmas is not the most joyful or peaceful time of the year but the most stressful and nerve-wracking. It is filled with unexpressed anticipation and wishes, and all of this collides on the holidays. Well, the best way to generate arguments within the family. Actually, you can’t do very much about it. Everyone has their own opinion about how ceremonies or, at least, the few days off, should take place. They want harmony, but not boredom. They want good food, but not gluttony. They won’t get neither of it... or everything all at once (so be careful what you wish for).
The creator of the series Babylon 5 once wrote an essay about the way pre-Christmas hustle turned the intention upside down: “Be jolly, rejoice, goddamned! It’s do or die now!” (Oops, sorry. But you can see what I mean?)

Yeah, I might seem cynical. I’m not. I am a harmony-addicted woman, mother and spouse and I’m trying to juggle with all this... I can never win this battle...
*sigh*

* giving a big wave to all like-minded people *

Procrastination, Part II

Maybe you remember that I thought I needed a deadline for an important decision.
I decided to miss the deadline. I didn’t want to focus on an arbitrarily chosen day to do that. Instead, I will try to evaluate every situation concerning my attitude and sensitiveness. Even if this means that I might make my decision one day without much further ado, just listening to my heart.
Yeah, I know, I’m beating about the bush. Many things have happened within the course of the last year. Bad things, good things. Things which made me wonder whether what I had for so long accepted to be okay for me and what I always had been wishing for, was not okay at all.
People tend to fool themselves. I did. I was really really good at it. I guess I’m still. We focus on nonsense, leaving the really important things behind. Things important to our hearts. And then we turn and wonder why the heck we feel so bad. We know that something is missing. We might even know what. And then, when we try to figure out what it is and what to do, the earth seems to revolve at faster pace, not allowing you to get a grip. Lost in a turmoil…
You try to arrange with the situation, but you can feel that it’s not okay. And you can’t go back. You know, if you try to do it “your way”, many people you know will react in a wide range between sad to totally pissed off.
But you know that something has to happen, just to keep you from losing your mind, to get to know what you really want (for yourself, not just to please the others). You cannot go on with what is hurting you just because you want to keep others from being hurt...

Lately, I had the impression that my seemingly positive attitude towards life, my ability to find the beauty in small things, kept me from seeing things that affected my life in a very negative way. Saying “It’s not so bad after all, look at the wonderful sunset.”, is not a way to cope with the fact that you have had a bad night with only two or three hours of sleep because there were items that kept your head busy, circling around problems you are afraid to even think about, because you feel what the consequences might be. And that it wasn’t the first night but one in a row…
Personally, looking at the wonderful little things on the way has helped me living with my problems, but not SOLVING them.
Now, I feel very weak. I think that I have been wasting lots of energy in trying to protect myself from pain. And now, as the energy fades, I feel like I’ve been living in a house of cards. I had been able to hold up the cards against the outside for a long time, but now the wind is blowing away piece by piece and I will be exposed to the storm very soon with no shelter available. I feel scared. But maybe I have to get to that point to start anew. And with a better approach next time…