Procrastination, Part II

Maybe you remember that I thought I needed a deadline for an important decision.
I decided to miss the deadline. I didn’t want to focus on an arbitrarily chosen day to do that. Instead, I will try to evaluate every situation concerning my attitude and sensitiveness. Even if this means that I might make my decision one day without much further ado, just listening to my heart.
Yeah, I know, I’m beating about the bush. Many things have happened within the course of the last year. Bad things, good things. Things which made me wonder whether what I had for so long accepted to be okay for me and what I always had been wishing for, was not okay at all.
People tend to fool themselves. I did. I was really really good at it. I guess I’m still. We focus on nonsense, leaving the really important things behind. Things important to our hearts. And then we turn and wonder why the heck we feel so bad. We know that something is missing. We might even know what. And then, when we try to figure out what it is and what to do, the earth seems to revolve at faster pace, not allowing you to get a grip. Lost in a turmoil…
You try to arrange with the situation, but you can feel that it’s not okay. And you can’t go back. You know, if you try to do it “your way”, many people you know will react in a wide range between sad to totally pissed off.
But you know that something has to happen, just to keep you from losing your mind, to get to know what you really want (for yourself, not just to please the others). You cannot go on with what is hurting you just because you want to keep others from being hurt...

Lately, I had the impression that my seemingly positive attitude towards life, my ability to find the beauty in small things, kept me from seeing things that affected my life in a very negative way. Saying “It’s not so bad after all, look at the wonderful sunset.”, is not a way to cope with the fact that you have had a bad night with only two or three hours of sleep because there were items that kept your head busy, circling around problems you are afraid to even think about, because you feel what the consequences might be. And that it wasn’t the first night but one in a row…
Personally, looking at the wonderful little things on the way has helped me living with my problems, but not SOLVING them.
Now, I feel very weak. I think that I have been wasting lots of energy in trying to protect myself from pain. And now, as the energy fades, I feel like I’ve been living in a house of cards. I had been able to hold up the cards against the outside for a long time, but now the wind is blowing away piece by piece and I will be exposed to the storm very soon with no shelter available. I feel scared. But maybe I have to get to that point to start anew. And with a better approach next time…