So.

When the new year started, I was all in a whirl from what seemed the closing of the old year.

I was stressed out, confused and scatterbrained, repeating Mantras in my brain which led me nowhere.

One thing has changed: the Mantras ebbed and left me in a kind of ...brain silence which falls upon me whenever I am alone. I'm quite thankful for that, but aside from that fact, little has changed.

I've been beating about the bush for such a long time...

...and maybe it will be helpful to admit it to others (well, other than my usual buddies) that I don't feel at home in my own life. I don't feel at home in my own home, as it is.

I always feel on the guard, trying not to antagonize my environment, and this seems to have been this way as long as I remember.

I have always dreamed of meeting a soul-mate, someone who "knows how to love me without being told", as Natasha Beddingfield sings. I met someone of whom I thought I would love to grow old with; I married him and we do have a child together, and yet... I'm not convinced anymore that he is the person. Not even that I want to grow old with him.

This is a terrible thought for me and yet I know it's true.

We had some serious quarrels over the time, as any couple might have. We always tried to go on, but I also had the feeling that I was conceding more than he.

Things he said to me haunt me.

Things I said (innocently, seemingly aeons ago) haunt me.

Things I didn't do haunt me.

I got used to swallow the bitter pill, somehow.

I can't go on like this much longer (ha, but I already said that two years ago).

It's just that I don't want to make a mistake that would alter the life of at least three people radically (even not if I have a premonition that it might be better for any of us). I can't abandon two decades of living together easily.

I'm so sick of fooling myself and others. Life seems a game of charade. It's so strenuous to keep up the facade, and I begin to ask myself why I do this.

I want to be honest at last. I have to start with me.

Yes, I know. Been here before. Saying that I have to find out what I want, what I need, what my wishes for my life are. I almost lost contact with myself. I feel... detached. Detached from my feelings. I know that I love some people, but at the moment, the feeling seems so far away. It's like I remember the feeling, and I know that I felt that for those people and that it's not all gone.

But it's not intensive at all. It's like kind of padded. Everything, joy and pain. Maybe that is one side-effect of trying not to get hurt again. But this is not life.

I know that, when I was in a stage when I felt like being swept around by a hurricane, I only wanted it to stop, for me to take a step aside to get a chance to think about it. I didn't know that this step would lead me so far from feeling alive...

How does it feel to be loved?
How would I know?
What does it take to make me happy?
Am I asking for too much?
How about being honest to myself for a start?

I feel weak.

And yet the "brain silence" is a relief because the Mantra doesn't lead anywhere. While it doesn't repeat my fears, I am able to relax a bit and enjoy where I am, if not who I am.

I guess I need to do a lot more things that I enjoy.

I always enjoyed many kinds of crafts, the inspiration was flowing, but I never took the time to follow. I know I miss that. There always seemed to be more important things to do (or at least other people told me there were).

I've got to ask myself what is really important to me. And if this is important to me or if it's just something others imposed on me. For many years, I've been accepting and endorsing other people's aims in life. I've GOT to find mine. Maybe I already know. But I forgot to listen to my inner child, and it is very sad now. Got to make it happy again.

Now this should be my resolution for 2008.