"Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be too late!"

Jeez, I don't feel Christmas-y at all!

The only thing that's a fact is that work is getting faster, because, you all know that Christmas always happens soooo suddenly, and you can't let any work be left over to the new year because there won't be any. Or so it seems.

I have already been preparing some things for my Christmas cards, but still I haven't finished. The baking had been reduced to two kinds of cookies, Vanillekipferl (C-shaped cookies with LOTS of vanilla and ground hazelnuts) and Christmas cake muffins (well, actually this used to be a recipe for a Christmas cake but we just filled it in muffin pans and it works well (and we don't have to eat everything at once, which is a big plus)).

Well. We already ate that much Vanillekipferl that I had to bake another two baking trays...

But they are so yummy, and it's so quick and easy.

Do you wanna try?

For Vanillekipferl (yes, it reads vanilla-kip-ferl), you'll need:

• 250 g butter (it should have had time to adjust to room temperature to get soft)


• 120 g white sugar


• a pinch of salt


• half a teaspoon of ground cinnamon


• ground lemon peel, approx. 1/2 teaspoon


• 2 vanilla beans (don't use any substitution, you need the real stuff, it's Christmas after all!)


• 330 g wheat flour


• 120 g ground hazelnuts


• fine sugar/powdered sugar

Stir the butter and add sugar, salt, ground cinamon, ground lemon peel and the vanilla seeds (slit the vanilla pods (or beans) open with a knife and take out the tiny teeny grains (don't throw away the pods!)).

In another bowl, mix the flour with the ground hazelnuts, then add, spoon by spoon, to the thoroughly stirred butter mixture and mix until it's well blended.

Wrap the dough in a plastic wrap and put it in your fridge for approx. 2 - 3 hours.

Now, you can cut the dough with a knife. You'll have to knead it a bit to take off pieces of approx. 10 g (almost the size of a walnut), roll it between your palms and give it a C-shape when you lay it on the baking tray.

Bake at approx. 175 degrees Centigrade in an convection oven (a normal oven will need a higher temperature, but you'll have to try it out with one or two pieces anyway) for approx. 7 - 10 minutes.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, comes a very important part which will add even more flavour to your Vanillekipferl: Sprinkle a mixture of white sugar and powdered sugar mixed with ground cinnamon over the cookies as if you wanted to give it a little layer of snow...

Et voilà!

Why shouldn't you throw away the pods?

Well, at least the pods can give flavour to fine white sugar! Put the vanilla pods into a screw cap glass and pour enough sugar over it to cover the pods. Thus, you'll get a 100 % vanilla sugar without any artificial flavouring. You can mix this with the powdered sugar to cover the Vanillekipferl!

Or (and this is what I did this year), you might want to flavour a winterly liqueur (I know it as "Hudson Bay"). Fast and easy, and - oh, so delicious!

You'll need:

• 0,7 litres of brown rum (approx. 40 %)


• 250 ml of maple sirup


• a vanilla pod (yes, you can use the leftover pods, there is enough flavour left)


• a cinnamon stick approx. 4 cm long

Pour the maple sirup into a bottle of approx 1 litre volume. Add the rum. Drop vanilla and cinnamon and let infuse for at least 4 weeks. (Sorry this may be too late for a Christmas present, but it needs the time and it's delicious on a cold February day, too.)

And that's just it! Easy, hun?

And now for something completely different

...or maybe not.

I've been so busy, I didn't even find the time for myself to catch up with what the hell I have been doing to be so exhausted.

Got the notice of the termination of my work contract after eleven years late in October, effective end of February. First, I didn't really care because I thought, heck, I may eventually have time for myself then. It ain't easy to find a part-time job within a quite small radius from home for a person over fourty; you know, bosses want 18-year-old people with a university degree and some years of business practice abroad who undersign that they won't have any children and don't expect any salary increase for the next 20 years, even without a recession going on. But now, I'm just plain angry and demotivated. I am expected to work motivated for a company that got me sacked for another two months (or maybe just one, because I have worked enough overtime to stay at home for a month!). And, on the other hand, I am expected to try and find a job where there are few to find, and many people beside me who are searching for a job. I'm so peeved at this situation, and I'm not sure how to motivate myself.

Then, my dear son broke his hip during a sports lesson. He's doing good but still on crutches, with me as his driver. At least, this gives me more time with him, quality time, and actually I'm enjoying that although it cuts the time that's left for me.

I've come to a point where I am convinced that most of my problems have something to do with permission. I feel like a child. I feel like anyone is so demanding and I would not be permitted to disappoint them. And noone sees how disappointed I am with my life. It's a feeling like I had to respect anyone but myself. And that I shall not even think about why I feel so bad.

It's like I was a child that had to ask anyone for permisson or absolution, with whatever I do, be it taking my time to do some small piece of art, take some time to read a book or have bad feelings about situations.

And noone to run to.

Maybe I already know what I should do.

But I don't yet give myself the permission to do so. This far have I come. I've lost my integrity over the years, to please others, to make them love me. To not be shouted at. To be considered helpful, a good companion.

But I sleep bad at night, I wake up with my heart pounding, malcontent, dissatisfied with my life.

Why can't I permit myself doing what my intellect deems necessary? And maybe I'm chewing too much on what I should give up to a life long past. Why should I hang on? Why do I?

Maybe because I am afraid to feel like the destroyer of a world. Or, of some.

On my kitchen magnet board, I have a magnet that reads: "Never, never, never give up". Allegedly, Winston Churchill said that. Well, I guess that Mr Churchill had an endorsing wife bolstering him. "You go live and win, Winston, I'll do the rest."

And then, maybe giving up sometimes may be a good thing to do.

If only I knew.

If only I could give myself permission to act. To make my own mistakes. To live.