Lately...

Comfortable as I am
I need your reassurance
And comfortable as you are
You count the days

But if I wanted silence
I would whisper
And if I wanted loneliness
I'd choose to go

If I liked rejection
I'd audition
And if I didn't love you
You would know

So why can't you just hold me
And how come it is so hard
Do you like to see me broken
And why do I still care?

Lately, a lot of thoughts keep haunting me.
We just came back from a family holiday in North Italy. I started off exhausted and in need of some recovery, physically and mentally, and came back somehow even more beat-up.
Lately, hubby seems to run, to march, instead of hiking. J and me can hardly keep the pace with him. When we ask him to slow down, he says we're lagging...

Lately, I came to thinking that he was right: When I wondered why we didn't talk about much more than every-day things, or plans, or to-dos, he said he thinks that we don't have much in common, so what else should he talk about. I didn't want to see. I didn't see it, then. Because I counted 20 years of living together as quite a lot we might have in common.
But maybe we only have a common past.

Lately, I began to wonder where my dreams have vanished. I know they're not gone for good, but burried under a rubble of years when I didn't even search for them, when I let him tell me what was important and what wasn't. Often enough, against my own belief. Years and years of lying to myself or at least of sugarcoating have piled up rocks, have cast concrete over what was mine and what was me. I should have known that even concrete doesn't last forever, and that it seldom is a nice sight.
I must go search for my inner wishes. Fast. There is no good in living the way I do today, living my life at daytime in the bounds of social requirements, and needing the nighttime to be myself. The more I'm stressed out, the more distress, the more I feel so far apart from what I am and what I want. I need the silent hours of the night to find out what to do.

Poor little misunderstood baby
No-one likes a sad face
But I can't remember
life without him
I think I did have good days...

(Lyrics: Maria Mena - Just Hold Me
listen and look here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02_NLgATkv0)